These last few days, I've had a chance to have some alone time, whether it be baking or walking to the Farmer's Market, it's just been me and my thoughts. Most recently, it was me with a sleeping Isaiah on a drive back from Newport, and my thoughts.
Fall always makes me nostalgic, I'm not quite sure, it's always like a distant memory that I can't quite make out. I begin to think of a simpler time, when things were actually, not so simple. I romanticize small towns, the past, and this always happens during the fall when the leaves start to turn, and the air is just a bit crisper. I think about what it would be like to live in a home with neighbors miles apart, no local cinemas, no cable, no internet. I wonder what I'd be like if I had to bake my own bread, milk my own cow and sew my own clothes. I wouldn't get bored, that's for sure. I wonder how full of imagination my brain would have and if I'd just let it, what amazing stories or art I could come up with. I'd be this obscure writer by night, mommy and school teacher by day. I'd live fantastic and wild adventures in my stories that I'd have dreamt up the night before. I'd take hours to make dinner and another hours making deserts and it would start all over the next day. My children and I would know how to start a fire, track animals, and just enjoy each others' time out in the wilderness. I'd take emotional pictures that National Geographic photographers would be jealous of. People would see my photos and think "man, she is so lucky to have that all in her back yard, what a peaceful life." They'd think what *I* think when I see those photos, that peacefulness that comes with an image of a lone leaf on the side what, of barren trees in the cold, of a single hiking path through the mist. But the reality is, could I do that? Could I give up my tv, my radio, my music and internet to lead that "simple life". Could I go with out date nights, high end shoes, and an arsenal of purses? Could I make bread, dinner, dessert, daily and still have time for my writer night life? I don't know? Probably not, but that's what I've always longed for. I've longed for time to reflect. I miss just being at home and sitting, thinking, and letting ideas and thoughts flow freely from my brain onto my hands. Now, everything is so hectic, so fast, go here, go there, finish school, finish practicing, drive here now. I miss the days when I was younger and I would lull myself to sleep by making up stories in my head while was the protagonist. I miss all that. One of most beautiful drives I found yesterday was hwy 20. Oh my, how beautiful was that? Complete with railroad tracks. I know I'll be revisiting that area more than once.
Not all is lost, however. I see photos of other photographer's adventures and they seem so close I could touch it, so why can't I? What holds me back? Why don't I try? I made this realization that all I've ever longed for is in my own back yard, and obviously, I need to have the drive to want it enough. I can go for weekend drives to take photos, I can make myself have some alone time to just sit and think, if I want it bad enough that is.
So that I will do. As Isaiah and I were driving to Newport yesterday, we had this realization that we just don't go out in nature enough. We appreciate nature tremendously, but we just never venture past the 7-11. I want that to change. I want to push myself and not make excuses any more. I too can take wonderful pictures and inspire people, even if it is just the maple leaf at my own front door.