Thursday, October 9, 2008

Another request

So, I was asked by yet another friend (2/3 people that read this) as to when I was going to write another blog. I've been wondering that myself. As of late, I've been kind of in an emotional rut, paralyzed by insecurity. Pretty heavy stuff, huh? Well, yeah. And painfully enough, it all came bubbling to the top on Sunday. That Sunday, I realized a lot of things about myself that I'd been trying to store away in that heavy oak chest in the back of my brain. But unfortunately, not only did I tuck away my fears and insecurities, I stashed my self-confidence and esteem. Not a good thing. I had a realization that much of my anger came from the fact that I am severely insecure about who I am. Am I social, or a hermit? Am I a risk taker, or take it safe? I don't know. Then, it was me getting mad because I was not this enough or that enough, but really, I threw that anger at someone else, instead of myself, but now I see that. I'm not mad at the world cuz they can't accept me for who I am, I am mad at myself because I can't accept myself for who I am. But here's the real question: Who the HELL am I, and where the F did my confidence go?
So those are a few things I've been going through lately, just trying to explore who I am and who I'm not, and accepting and loving myself for my faults and also for what I do well or for how great I might be. I have a lot of baggage from my childhood that prevents me from many things, including being selfish, and praising myself, and accepting compliments, etc. So that's what my brain has been up to, just so you know. I guess I'm going through a kind of quarter life crisis. But it's ok, it's good to assess things and figure out what you're missing and what you need to add to make you a whole person again. And I'm glad I have friends and loved ones to help me along the way. I promise the next post won't be so heavy.


Kelly said...

Heavy away. :) It's been hard for me to come to terms with the parts of myself. I am completely social...with people I've known for 5-20 years. I'm super social in a social situation where I have something I can offer like teaching or instruction. I want to curl up and DIE in a new group of people where our activity is (ie parties.) I take weeks of constant interaction to become comfortable with a new person. When I think of myself I think of who I am when I'm around myself or people I've known forever. I forget about who I am with the rest of the world. But I am both. I'm working on part acceptance and part change.

Be patient with yourself. You're thinking about a lot right now and I know you'll come to answers.

McJumpguez said...

Thanks. I'm trying. I've heard that I'm too hard on myself. Well, I guess that's the first step.

Kristin said...

It's good you are thinking about these things and coming to term with them. Realization is the only way to move forward! I'm glad you posted another blog, I like reading it!