Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Taking the first step

Ok, so as many of you know, I've liked photography for a long time. Ever since I was a little girl going along with my mom as she cleaned rich people's houses in the west hills and Beaverton, I'd thumb through their National Geographic magazines as well as their over sized coffee table photography books. I'd get mesmerized by the pretty pages and wished I could go visit, thus began my love of landscape calendars (among many loves). Sure, political, portrait and still life photography is cool, but landscape is where its at for me.
For a long time, I suppressed the love for photography, just taking quick little "Kodak Moments" here and there. I never took it seriously and never thought I would. I had two friend is high school that were photography nuts, so that was their thing. Mine was singing.
When I went to study abroad in Mexico my junior year in college and got my photos developed, I realized, I'm not half bad. I began to think I could do this as a hobby, but a familiar theme arose . . . someone did it better than I did, it was already *their* hobby, so I dropped it.
Fast forward a few years. After a heartbreaking yet liberating break-up, I decided it was time to dust off my mom's old SLR 35 mm and go for it again. It was time to re-invent invent myself and find some passion again. I bought a new used camera because my mom's was too damanged, and I bought a few rolls of cheap film. This was fall of 2006. Fall is a beautiful time of year here in Oregon. I checked out some books from the library and I snapped away.
Fast forward 2 years . . . I still had the film in their rolls at home. I didn't have the guts to see how they turned out. For two years I've been holding onto these rolls for fear of what they might reveal to me, like a crystal ball. Nice pictures: you are on your way to photography. Bad pictures: EAH! Sorry, move on. I'm terrified to find out what my crystal balls will say, but I know that eventually, I need to have the truth revealed to me one way or another.
So, today during lunch, I walked down to the local Fred Meyer and dropped my 3 rolls of film off. "Do I have to do them 1 hour?" I asked the photo guy. Man do I want to delay this process. I also don't want to pay for something that might be S#%!t. In a few days, we'll see what rises from the fog but I've taken the first step to a hobby that I never should have let go.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Stuck in a rut

Is anyone even going to hold me accountable on any of what I say on this blog? I know many don't read this so it's more like I'm talking to myself.

As my title says, I'm "stuck in a rut". I have a great job (with tremendous potential for growth) a cool ass boss and an even cooler location (5 minutes from home.) I have a wonderfully patient boyfriend who indulges and accepts the bratty 5 year old princess I can be. I have fantastic friends, all creative, intelligent, passionate and accomplished in their own right, an ever expanding, accepting and close knit family, really what more could I ask for. But still, I feel like I have no guidance, nothing to focus on, no goal to reach. I'm just floating around work, going 9-5:30 and cherishing the few bits of weekend time I have for myself and those I care about.
I'm trying to think of things that truly make me happy. What are those things? What makes me smile? What lights a little fire of passion below me? What do I want to do? I've made a few changes in my life in these last few months. I've moved into an apartment by myself (great location, noisy neighbors), I auditioned and was part of a Christmas caroling group. I ran a 5k while sick, and I quit going to voice lessons in the all encompassing plan to "improve my life" and make room for "other things" i'd like to pursue. What are those things? Heck if I know. There is so much I like out there, and so much I'm scared to try. I think what it really comes down too is out right fear of failure. If I try and fail, i'll be devastated. So why the HELL will I try?
But nonetheless, I shall list a few things (mostly for my own memory) that I would like to pursue. No particular order, here they go:

Photography (35mm, film)
Dancing (latin)
Volunteering with babies
Run a 10k with hopes of running a half marathon, eventually
Being in a musical
Ethnic Studies, race relations and how popular culture has an effect.
Cooking healthy food

I can't really think of much else. I like my job, so i want more hobbies. I want to be good at something. I want to have a hobby people can brag about, "oh, she's a great ____". I want to feel like something is mine and mine a lone and I do a good job at it. But as of right now, I don't do that. I feel like I slices myself for other in order to get what they need done. I'm a human to do list, I'm an alarm clock, I'm a calendar for others. What is really mine?

So, that's what I shall be exploring and I hope to find an answer soon or at least part of one or else I"ll be in my robe writing blogs at 9:53 at night, sipping water and contemplating life.

p.s. this has always been my inspiration . . . I want to be him. His photography brings tears to my eyes . . .

Wednesday, January 16, 2008


Well, it sure has been a while since last I've written. Most likely sometime at the end of November. Not too much has happened since then. I was really busy with caroling and family christmas things, but now that's all over and I have to get back in the swing of things. Since then I finally finished the Bitch in the House as well as Love, Rosie from writer Cecilia Ahern. Not her best work, but you still wanted to read it. Currently, I'm in between reading The Historian, Sammy's House and Sister to Sister. I'm in the mood for a memoir or a non-fiction so if Sister to Sister doesn't work out, I'll have to use my 10 dollars off at border's gift card to purchase something new. Any recommendations are welcome.

On the work out front, I've lacked motivation and slacked to say the least. I had to stop during the month of december for fear of pure exhaustion so I gave myself a month long free pass. I ate what I wanted and did nothing. Well, the month is over and I'm trying so hard to get back to where I was. I've gained the 6 out of 8 pounds that I had lost and that's depressing. My new pants are tight, as well as the new skirts I bought. I've started back at the gym and even gotten a new trainer but so far no good. Friday I'm going to have to tell him to challenge me a bit more or else I'm switching. I need someone to really work my hard, especially if I want to look good when I go mexico in mid February, and need to find a brides maid dress by the end of the month. I had been doing so good that this is very disappointing. But such is life.