This weekend, I was reminded of the frailty of life. I had to attend two out of three wake/memorial/celebrations of life for a friend of my boyfriends. I had met him early on in our relationship, about 5 years ago. Nice guy he was, and Isaiah always remembered him as that person that *really* cared when he asked "how are you?"
I was not close friends with him, but that does not mean I can't feel the pain of loosing someone. It's unimaginable and hard to process. It was ironic too because our visit this weekend to Eugene was to meet his new 3 week old nephew. One life lost, one just about to begin. I'm not a mother, I was not Dave's best friend, but I can still feel it, the love, the loss, the emotion. I'm hugely sympathetic, but while his friends were all crying Saturday night at his ghost bike walk, I stayed strangely calm. It actually frightened me by how calm I was, I wondered, "what's wrong with me that I cannot shed a tear?" Maybe it's because I felt I had no right, over anyone else, to be sad. I didn't want to impose on their loss, their feelings. I didn't want to impose by being a stranger in their mits as I am only a friend's girlfriend. Perhaps its that fact that I wanted to be strong for my partner, perhaps I was a heartless wench and something really is wrong with me.
The next day, at Dave's parent's house, was another wake. This one was in huge contrast to the night before: it was warm, sunny, and filled with laughter as well as tears. In one room were pictures of Dave as I remembered him: the dude with dreads. Isaiah pointed out, he only had those for a short bit. That's how little I knew him. The next room was filled with his baby pictures: kindergarten, him and his brother, his mom holding him as a child . . . And I lost it. Something deep down inside ripped through and it hit me. This mother's son, father's son, someone's brother, someone's friend, is gone. I left the room and never returned. It took me a few minutes to compose myself in the bathroom as I didn't want anyone to see me as I am just an invisible stranger, an extension of my boyfriend. I blew my nose, dabbed my eyes, and returned to the wake but never to that room. Just the thought of it . . .
Life happens, life stops. Please, enjoy your life and be safe.