Saturday, December 10, 2011

Good-Bye 2011

I know its been a long while since I wrote, but I have to say: I can't WAIT for this year to be over. Perhaps I'm being overly optimistic, but next year HAS to be better than this year. This past year has been one of the hardest years I've had to go through. Yes, I know: no one died, no one got cancer, no major car accidents, but emotionally, its taken its toll on my and I'm done with it.

I've had injuries, accidents, a broken heart (a few times over). The fender bender equals: paying out $$$ I don't have that I had reserved for some health stuff I need to take care of. I guess that means no more mouth brace for me! Yay! (sarcasm). The only good thing that has come out of this year has been getting a new job that I don't hate which has lead to some new cool friends and a community of coworkers. I've learned new things and everyday, I at least know I've helped one person. That makes me feel pretty good. Sadly, the pay isn't very much and having lived by myself in NW Portland, taking care of myself, this feels pretty shitty. I constantly have to second guess my spending, have to ask the parents for help, or have to say no to a few things that a couple years ago would have been a no-brainer. Again, it could be worse. I'm trying not to complain...but I guess it does sound like it.

I do have my goals and it seems that every six months I'll need to re-assess what I'm doing, where I am, and where I want to go. The thing that I've realized this year (which I think is part of the emotional strain) is nothing is guaranteed, nothing stays the same....people change, feelings change, your mind changes, change of hearts. Change is a really hard thing for me to digest. I'm orderly, I check lists, I expect people to follow through on their word. I just want something I can hold on to...but perhaps that's the problem: there isn't really ANYTHING you can hold onto but yourself...and even that's not guaranteed. You know how many times we change hobbies? Yeah...

So I guess my big lessons for this year is don't get too attached to anything really. I don't mean that in a totally depressed way, I mean that in a way of survival. I have to learn to roll with it. I need to learn how to velco my emotions, rather than lock them on to something...or someone.

So for the next 20 days I am letting myself finish up being bitter, angry, resentful, pessimistic, suspicious, envious etc. Because once the clock strikes midnight on January 1st, 2012, I'm back to being the optimistic, positive, bubbly person I've always meant to be...with improvements of course...always improvements.


Liz said...

"Attachment is the source of all suffering" -Buddha. Letting go of your expectations and projections is a difficult thing, but necessary to realize true happiness and compassion. It is the freedom from want that allows the good in things to become apparent.

Liz said...

I've been feeling this one a lot lately too, "Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions." -Dalai Lama