Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Stuck in a rut

Is anyone even going to hold me accountable on any of what I say on this blog? I know many don't read this so it's more like I'm talking to myself.

As my title says, I'm "stuck in a rut". I have a great job (with tremendous potential for growth) a cool ass boss and an even cooler location (5 minutes from home.) I have a wonderfully patient boyfriend who indulges and accepts the bratty 5 year old princess I can be. I have fantastic friends, all creative, intelligent, passionate and accomplished in their own right, an ever expanding, accepting and close knit family, really what more could I ask for. But still, I feel like I have no guidance, nothing to focus on, no goal to reach. I'm just floating around work, going 9-5:30 and cherishing the few bits of weekend time I have for myself and those I care about.
I'm trying to think of things that truly make me happy. What are those things? What makes me smile? What lights a little fire of passion below me? What do I want to do? I've made a few changes in my life in these last few months. I've moved into an apartment by myself (great location, noisy neighbors), I auditioned and was part of a Christmas caroling group. I ran a 5k while sick, and I quit going to voice lessons in the all encompassing plan to "improve my life" and make room for "other things" i'd like to pursue. What are those things? Heck if I know. There is so much I like out there, and so much I'm scared to try. I think what it really comes down too is out right fear of failure. If I try and fail, i'll be devastated. So why the HELL will I try?
But nonetheless, I shall list a few things (mostly for my own memory) that I would like to pursue. No particular order, here they go:

Photography (35mm, film)
Dancing (latin)
Volunteering with babies
Run a 10k with hopes of running a half marathon, eventually
Being in a musical
Ethnic Studies, race relations and how popular culture has an effect.
Cooking healthy food

I can't really think of much else. I like my job, so i want more hobbies. I want to be good at something. I want to have a hobby people can brag about, "oh, she's a great ____". I want to feel like something is mine and mine a lone and I do a good job at it. But as of right now, I don't do that. I feel like I slices myself for other in order to get what they need done. I'm a human to do list, I'm an alarm clock, I'm a calendar for others. What is really mine?

So, that's what I shall be exploring and I hope to find an answer soon or at least part of one or else I"ll be in my robe writing blogs at 9:53 at night, sipping water and contemplating life.

p.s. this has always been my inspiration . . . I want to be him. His photography brings tears to my eyes . . .

1 comment:

Kristin said...

I read your blog! You should post more.