On the eve.

I'm on the eve of something new.

Tomorrow I have a job interview. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it yet. I think I was telling my sis (in-law) that if I think too hard about it, I'll freak out. All I need to know right now is that, as far as I can tell, I like the job and I *know* I can do a great job. The other things are frivolous fears that I will deal with as they unfold. I think one of the many things I need to do here in 2011 is calm my mind and be patient. I have trouble with that, I want to know NOW how things will work out and if things are BAD, BAM, change it! I think for me, it's a pendulum effect because for YEARS, I let things go and go and go and look at that 10 years later and nothing or 5 years later and I'm still here. So this year will be a year of patience and trust, in myself.

With that being said. Holy crap! Change is scary but also exciting. If this job turns out...I'll have a job. I've not had a job since August. A job. And it's not a media job. I've been in and out of the industry in various fields for quite some time...And if I do have a job...life changes, things change. My schedule will change, my patterns and habits will change and I'll form new ones. My life may very well change. I figured, it's time. I have to stop what I've been doing and do something else and see where that leads...That very statement is terrifying...but also kind of wonderful. I don't deal well with uncertainty, but over the last few years, I've learned that the reason I didn't was because I just didn't trust myself. I doubted each and ever decision I made...but now. I know I am in control of my own destiny. If I make a mistake, it was my mistake to make. If awesome things happen, I made it happen. Only I can create my own happiness and I take full responsibility for all of it, good and bad. I'm only human and I'm still learning.

I have goals and ideas and dreams for myself but I'm trying really hard to keep all doors of opportunities open and hopefully, with good guidance and persevering, they'll lead me there, or to an even better place I could not have imagined.

I have hope for all of it!

And it begins.

I must say, 2010 has thus far been one of the best years to day, one that I feel I was really present for: I dated, I had a surprise party, I turned 30, I got laid off, got unemployment, went to Europe and met a special fella.

2011 however, is not turning out quite as giddy as the year ended, but still hopeful, hope is the last thing to die, right?

I've been applying for jobs left and right because I feel like I have a clear direction of where I want to be in a year, what I want to be doing, but that entails a full-time job...which I've yet to find. Applying to jobs is like dating, you go out on dates with guy after guy and either they don't like *one* thing about you and its over, or you don't like one thing about them and its over. Double edged sword.Just because your cover letter said this and not that...you're out. So on that end I've been getting a bit discouraged. It's tough to crawl out of that hole.

On the boy front, my fella and I broke up. Man, did we like each other. The big things were great, the, for simpleness sake, superficialities were great. The little things? The day to day things? The conflict resolution? The communication? Kind of sucky, and that's not good for him nor for me, so I ended it about a two months. I can go weeks with being ok about it, followed by days where I'm heartbroken about it. It's really weird when you know you did the right thing (I guess selfishly for myself) and you still can't shake off the feelings...the heart break. And I also know its compounded by NOT having a job...by being at home (with the exception of baby sitting two days a week) thinking and thinking and thinking...re-living and re-living. I have no real distractions. I've decided that I need to make myself a schedule. I already apply to at least three jobs a week and I look monday, tuesday and wednesday and apply on thursday and friday. That's my routine. But still there are daily reminders: red Toyota trucks, SELLWOOD, Mumford and Sons...But I know time makes it fade so I just have to give it time. I've been here before and survived, I know I will survive once again...but with time.

So, now that the gloom is out of the way, the good news! I have an interview for a job on Monday! Yay me! I was honestly caught off guard when she called while babysitting the youngster, but I had an hour long phone interview with her and it went quite well.

I'm thinking perhaps 2011 is the year of unexpected gifts. Or how could I say it...Opportunities in disguise because this job, even though it sounds fantastic, is not quite idea. So maybe the universe is telling me "Andrea, get out of your comfort zone, try new things, you'll figure it out." This job is only part-time, its in Tigard, and it *might* even be temporary. So why take it you ask? This is why: full medical benefits! How many part-time jobs out there have health benefits? Also, since it's in conjunction with school, I get two weeks off for vacation, one week for spring break, all holidays AND all summer...Plus, I get to speak Spanish and help out my Latino community. I've been itching to find a job I felt proud of...after having made the decision that it doesn't matter, haa haa. Silly me! If I get this job, I'll just have to budget and figure out what to do about the money...I'll have to work nights, or weekends but I'll figure it out. If the gratification out ways the ramen noodle grocery budget, then it's worth it. Plus, if it means I can end up going to school with some income, then hells yeah. Oh yeah, that's what I want to do...Ok, I'll leave that for another post.

But for now, I'll leave you with some beautifully crispy cold pictures of Sellwood after our "blizzard" yesterday.

Updates!

Hello all! (All four of you!)

It's been quite a while since last I've written. Since I no longer sit in front of a computer for 8 hours a day, I don't have the patience to sit down and write posts. At first, when I started this, I did it to try to keep up the writing, then I started to do it because I was bored. Now? Well, I don't do it because I don't want to be stuck behind a computer for half an hour writing if I don't need to. Plus, I have to actually *stand* at this computer if I need to write. Good exercise, but sometimes I just don't want to do it unless I have to.

Ok, so done with the excuses, here we go:

Changes have happened since last you've read. Let's re-hash:

- I'm the proud visitor of Holland, Ireland, Northern Ireland, Scotland and England.
- I'm still unemployed, but slowly looking.
- I've started running again.
- I've started up Tango again.
- I now own a bike, so I've been biking.
- I help my mom twice a week taking care of a four-month-old baby. (!!!)
- Took a rock climbing class...am going to pursue.
- I've met a boy.

So let's start at the top.

I learned a lot from my European Vacation. One: I get home sick after 2 weeks. Two: I get over being home sick. Three: My family is my home and I missed them dearly. Those were all very important lessons I needed to learn. No matter how far away I go, what amazing things I see or people, my family (and friends) are the only people I want to come home to. Even though Ireland and Scotland were GORGEOUS, there is nothing like Portland at night and Hood River in October. I love it here. And now, I'm starting to get more into the out door thing with hopes of going on a camping trip. I'm excited.

I've started looking for a job. I've been unemployed I'd say actively for almost two months. One month before I left, then three weeks now since I've gotten back. I must say, I like the way life is unfolding right now and I'm not really in a hurry to find a job, which means, I can be picky, which I suppose is a good thing. I do want to find the RIGHT job, but I also enjoy all this free time I have. I don't laze around on my butt mind you, but I get to do what I want when I want to...but I'm a creature of routine, so yes, I still have one. Everyday I get up at 8 or 9, depending on the night before, and I either go for running or biking for 20-30 minutes. Twice a week, I go help my mom with the baby, and once a week I have Tango, then another twice a week, I go to Tease and Tone and dance my little heart out. All the other free time? I make breakfast, take a shower, search for jobs or volunteer positions, have lunch with friends, and whatever else I want to do. It's nice. I've not had this freedom in a while and I feel happy.

I started running again. I figured that I'd been getting stronger from Bar and with the help of the chiropractor, I'd been able to keep my back in check. So I've stared out slow since I got back. I biked to NW, got me some new running shoes. I started at 2 miles for one week, the second week 2.5 and now I'm on week three and 3 miles. My goal is a 10k eventually, but I know that I can't do the distance thing, so I'll stop at a certain mileage and just hope to pick up speed. I really enjoy running, so I don't want to over do it.

I started Tango again and I'm so glad I did. It makes me happy.

My friend Kristin finally sold me her bike. If you'd have asked me last year if I'd ever consider riding a bike (or becoming vegan for that matter) I'd say NEVER! But, I saw how my friend Liz enjoyed it and over the year, something changed. I was tired of these old habits I'd developed over the years. They are no longer useful to me. Saying no to camping, biking, veganism...and I"m sure there are a few more. So now, instead of saying no, I say "Sure, I'll try it." So I've tried a few things and to my amazement, I've liked it. The bike is one of them. Eventually, I'll get everything I need for it to be able to go out at night, but so far, I'm just enjoying my ride around the Spring Water Corridor.

It's no mystery that I want children, like bad, like since I was 5. I've always wanted children. I got very close to having them but it would have all turned out bad. Right now, I'm in a good place. Yes, I still want children with all my little squishy heart, but I'm waiting out for the right person at the right time, so for now I'll satisfy myself with just taking care of them. My mom took on the care of a 4 month old baby, a family friend, in addition to my two nephews, 6 and 15, so I figure, I don't have a job, and I love babies, so I go over to my mom's twice a week and help with feedings and sleepings and play time. I'm in heaven.

My roommate has really been an inspiration for me trying new things. She's the one that encourages me to go hiking with her and talk to boys at bars. So a few months ago she said she was interested in rock climbing. This is something I NEVER EVER would have thought about...but I say "Sure, I'll try it." So we did, last Friday: Verdict? We loved it! We're hoping that in the future, we'll be able to belay each other ourselves and if *I'm* brave enough (cuz she's totally into it) I'll actually do it outside a gym.

I met a boy. I like him and he likes me. I am happy and excited. The end ;)

Well, that's it for now. I'll try to post some photos from Europe, but I'm tired of standing .... =D

In three days...

I'll be in the "old world" or Europe.

Sorry it's been a while since I've written. Since I got laid off, I've been on mini adventures hiking and baking and working out and dancing. It's not really anything to write home about, just doing the daily grind. I no longer sit in front of the computer any more (I stand at it, which leaves me little patience to write a blog) but I thought I'd check in before I left on my "Great European Adventure".

In three days, I'll be in Holland.

You see, I'm not a traveler, I'm a homebody. The only places I'd been to were Mexico (and its entrails) and Vancouver B.C. with my brother to see a Radiohead concert, that is pretty much it.

Then one year, after much talk with the ex of traveling here and there and never going anywhere, I decided I'd go alone...to visit that is. If I do travel, it never is alone. I don't like it. I know some people enjoy the thrill of traveling solo and meet new people, new friends, even new lovers. Me? No, I need a reason to go. It must be something deep down inside: I need a "reason" to justify why I'm going. Plus, I just don't like to travel alone and having to meet a stranger is just *not* that applealing to me. So a few years ago, I reconnected with one my best friends from high school who was living in Boston (or technically Alliston) Massachussettes and she invited me to visit. I said "what the hell, sure!" So off to Boston, Mass. I went one August. I'd never been to the east coast and I knew that Boston was quite the historical hub. I loved it. I went to visit an old friend AND I got to explore the city a bit. It was a good mix of sight seeing tourist and of seeing her every day life. We even went to Rhode Island so I can say I've been there too!

After Boston, it was LA. Sure yeah LA isn't *that* appealing but one of my best friends from college now has lived there about 4 year so we make it a yearly thing and honestly, she's made LA quite appealing. I even thought of moving there.

And of course, there were the occasional trips to Seattle and Bainbridge Island that I'd do every few months to visit a friend that has now moved back to Portland.

Another place I went to was San Francisco as a gift to my mom for Mother's day. We went last year in September and I fell in love. I didn't realize how wonderful traveling could be, how seeing how others lived could open my eyes, but of course, it also makes me very grateful to live where I live now.

And yes of course the trip to Mexico to visit family. Last year, it was for Day of the Dead in Mexico city.

But Europe? This was in a whole different category all together, the category of "go before I die" but really, "I probably won't do it". So many things held me back from this, so many silly little things until I snapped out of it. This is the first trip I've planned for now reason other than: I want to and I deserve to. People ask my "why are you going to Ireland" versus say Italy or Spain. And the answer? I don't know. My chiropractor said "Well, you'll know when you get there." And I do believe her. My whole life, I'd had this fascination with Ireland, Scotland...London. London appeals to me as a city girl, but Ireland touches me and lives within me on an emotional level, and I don't know why. I've always wanted to go but at the time that this trip was being planned or mulled around, I had no one to go with. Then as luck or the universe would have it, I got back in touch with a close high school friend (via facebook of course) who was an exchange student from Holland. We emailed, we chatted on the phone and then came the magical invitation: you should come. And I said to her, "you know, I think I will." That was almost a year and a half ago. After that conversation, so many changes have taken place, not just physically around me, but also mentally and emotionally with in me. Instead of feeling guilt for the pending exodus, I'm excited because this trip is for me, to celebrate me, to give ME a gift and stop waiting around for my life to happen because I am MAKING it happen.

I have all the ingredients I want in it: money saved up, time off, awesome friend to go visit and the countries *I* want to see because something within my squishy pink heart tells me to. I've not planned ANYTHING, which is also unlike me. All I know is when I'm getting there, what countries we plan on visiting and when I leave. That's it. The rest will come as we go along and no matter what happens, where we go, what we miss, it won't matter because I was in EUROPE! Me, this Mexi-Merican will be IN EUROPE. I'll be in the place where it all started, La Nina, La Pinta, La Santa Maria, where most of my mestizo mixing ancestors are from, where yours are from, where it all started and continues. I will be there. I will be in Europe and I truly can't believe it.

But I can't wait.

Vegan update and other things

Well, I was successfully vegan shy of three days, for two weeks. Is that grammatically correct? I dunno, I only got a 75% in grammar for journalists. And what was my impression? FANTASTIC! I love it. My new favorite thing? Veganaise! YES! I've always liked the tangy taste of mayo, but my tummy did not. And now, NOW? I can eat veganaise with no problem! Even my mayo connoisseur roommate said she didn't smell the difference. Wow, that impressive! And what else? Um, I totally love vegan ice cream, either coconut milk or soy milk, both equally delicious! I had no idea how much I loved ice cream until I had those two things.

Why did I not complete the two weeks (and more)? Two reasons. The weekend I didn't stay vegan I had a bachelorette party to attend so I had alcohol, cheese and some non-vegan voodoo donuts (I can't resist!) and a wedding and I'm sorry, but I could NOT say no to cake...I had two slices...But I easily could have stayed vegan minus the cake because the wedding food was a fantastic variety of vegetarian, vegan and meat, but heck, I had chicken and salmon. I indulged. I did avoid cheese though.

Then this week I went to a naturopath because I'm really wanting to know exactly what I'm allergic to and to what degree so she told me to go ahead and eat as I'd normally do, dairy, meat and all and my blood will be drawn in a week. So far, I've had cheese, half and half, pizza, etc... And what has been the result? Every morning I wake up congested. Interesting...I wonder what else I'll be allergic to? But come next Wednesday, I'm back to my beloved use of veganaise and all things non dairy. It's actually been quite interesting and I'm learning a lot. What I like the most, the way my body reacts, so that's great!

And in other news...I was laid off from work due to budgeting issues. I won't get into the details but I'll just say everything happens for a reason and one door closes and others open. I'm really excited to see where I'm going to end up after all of it. So far, during my unemployment, I'm wrapping up some admimistrative things, but also doing my Bar, and hanging out with some friends and learnign new skills that I just kept telling myself "I have no time." Now, I have AAAAALLLL day.

Last week I finally finished reading Kristin's manuscript and wrote out all her notes for her. Next, I'll research some issues for her that are pertinent to the novel.

Yesterday, Kristin took me on a bike ride along the Spring Water trail from Hawthorne to Waterfront and back over and down to my area of Sellwood. I'm really excited to start exploring Portland on my new (her old) bike! And yeah, a little nervous, but I've got good friends to turn to!

Today, I went over to Liz's house so she could help me bake my first loaf of wheat bread. Success! You see, I'm a pastry baker. Give me a cake, a pie, a tart or a cupcake. I'll bake it without a second thought, but bread? With yeast? Let it rise and punch it, and wait for....hours?! No way. The only bready thing with yeast I've ever made were Pioneer Woman's dinner rolls for Christmas (that was fun!) But no bread. And I'm totally inspired by Liz's homemakering ways (see her blog here) and I want to learn to make my tortillas, bread and english muffins from scratch and so far, I now know how to make a loaf of bread. I'd love to have a little garden like her, but well, we're renting and I think we don't get any sun in the area where we could have one. I might think of doing a winter garden... but we'll see. I actually do have time now... =)

So that's my update.

So although I don't have a job per say, I'm quite busy learning all these new things, helping my parents around the house and spending time with my friends and just enjoying this time right now, especially before Europe!

The home stretch

Here it comes, this is my last weekend as an omnivore until who knows when. Starting Sunday at 7pm, I will go on a 24 hour juice fast, then begin my life as a vegan on hour 25.

I feel bad saying I'm going vegan. Most people who go vegan do it for moral reasons: they can't fathom eating animal products, their religion tells them, etc. Me? Well, I have no problem eating meat, eggs, wearing leather...I grew up on it, but I do try to be conscious of these decisions. I try to purchase "cage free" eggs, "range free" meat, etc. I also try to be a localvour as much as I can and summer really helps for that, so I think my cleanse/detox/diet change is perfect timing. So, I don't want to disrespect the vegans that do it for that reason, I respect their choices as I hope all will respect mine.

So what should I call myself? An immoral vegan? I dietary vegan? A "for health reasons" vegan? Why am I doing this you ask? Well, for that very reason: health.

As I've grown older, I've grown intolerant to many foods that I used to have no problem with, case in point: milk. I LOVE milk. My favorite food used to be just plain cold cereal with any thing from Lucky Charms, to Bran Flakes. As long as there was cold milk, I was all over it. Then in college, I noticed things started to change. My tummy would get upset with all things lactose: yogurt, sour cream, cheese and my beloved milk. I finally made a conscious effort so stave off milk and go for soy. With all the research done on soy, I kind of freaked out, so I limit my use. Now, for cereal or smoothies, I use oat milk. I've tried rice, and I've tried almond, but oat milk (from Trader Joe's, holla!) is the best consistency I've found. I still however use half and half in my coffee. I've tried, soy, soy silk, oat milk, but nothing is quite like the creamy thickness of a cow's half and half cream. But since I had the 24 hour hour stomach bug, I've been off caffeine and half and half as well as sugar. But what did I do today? I had trouble sleeping last night and I swear I didn't hit REM sleep, so I thought "might as well get one last coffee before I ban myself", so I did the works: half and half, iced coffee with simple syrup. And boy, am I paying the price. Goes to show that this change of diet will do me good.

This time, however, I'm trying not to over do it. When I did the master cleanse, I had burger king for dinner. Probably not the best idea. Right now, I'm still on fruits and veggies and last night I had my last Dr. Pepper and this morning my last coffee and for lunch, I thought I'd treat myself to one of the new Subway subs, either the BLT or the Chicken one. But I suspect the chicken has tons of mayonnaise and if history is proving correct, I really should step away, so BLT it is. Tomorrow, my roommate is insisting on BBQ food, so I'm prepping for that and come Sunday is my sister-in-law's birthday dinner so there will be some sopes heading my way. I'll try really hard not to gorge or over do it, so wish me luck.

So what do I hope to gain from this experience? Well, it would be awesome not to have any tummy problems. Also, I just want to eat better. I'd love to learn how to make tried and true recipes and make them deliciously vegan. I want to explore all the options I can right now: veganaise, fake cream cheese, fake chorizo. And if I get good enough, perhaps one might not suspect a different? But my real goal is to finally get off milk, in all its glorious forms. I just know it's much better for me. And I'd be lying if I didn't say I'd hope to drop a few pounds while I'm at it. I like challenges and I really want to learn how to cook better and healthy and deliciously.

How long will I do this? Well, as long as I can. I will be introducing meat protein back in to my diet slowly, but I could easily forgo red meat all together, no big deal really so we'll see.

So on the agenda is hitting up food front (*eh-hem*) for some produce and some vegan products, the probably trader joes for the rest.

I'm really excited for this! Here's to my last few meaty meals!

Birthday Reflection: The start of 30

Thirty started out in a whirlwind of family, friends and time off, immediately followed by a cold, stomach bug and hopefully this weekend, a relaxing stroll through the Lavender Festival in Hood River with my mom and roommate.

It's been a week since I've turned 30, and what have I learned so far? Well, for one, people, more specifically, guys DO like me. I've been on a few dates with really nice men that just didn't work out. I have a fear that I'm not attractive to men. Sure, I may have ginormous boobs, but my old self asked, what else do I have to offer. Apparently, a lot. I've gotten things like "you rock" "you're very interesting" "you're very pretty" "you like WWII, that's awesome!"...a good mix physical and emotional attraction by said men. Sadly, there was just no spark but it taught me a valuable lesson: they DO like me.

Second: I need to lose weight. Oh ok, yes yes, you're all "but you're not fat!" ok fine, I'm not fat, but when I see myself, that's not who I see. I want to be fit so I can dance with ease and not get so tired. I want to have sharp lines and movement and honestly, you can't see that if all my muscles are hiding behind a nice layer of fat. It's nothing drastic really, I don't wish to be 100 pounds, I don't even wish to drop 20 pounds. I was 10 pounds lighter at this time last year and even though I wasn't the thinnest person around nor could I wear a bikini, I still felt great and I thought I looked great and for the first time in my life, for a WHOLE month, I didn't think or talk about my weight in a negative way, I finally saw myself the way others had seen me for years, plus or minus twenty pounds. I'm sure I'm all hypocritical as I write this, but this is what I want for me. I know people love me no matter what weight, I know the person I end up with will love me no matter what weight, I know that I love me right now regardless of whether I lose those 10 pounds or not, so I might as well try and go for it. It's just one of those things I'd like to accomplish for myself, give to myself.

Third: On that note, I'm going to try to go vegan for a week or so, a kind of cleanse. It's been a long time coming for me to cut back on certain foods, mainly dairy, so I need a kind of detox for my body from all the crap I had during my birthday festivities. After that, I plan on going pescatarian for a while, then maybe start adding in some chicken. I'm not sure if I'll go back to red meat, but we'll see. But for now, for sure: I gotta cut out the dairy. And after having the 24 hour stomach bug, it hasn't been too hard. So we'll see how this goes. I'm really excited though, I love new challenges!

So basically this is the year to continue the upward trend of being nice to myself, both physically and mentally. No more bashing, no more eating crap just for the sake of it. I want to be physically fit for my dancing and hopefully that will help me run a few miles a week again. I want to have a positive out look at least 90% of the time, I want to let my family and friends know that they are loved and appreciated. So my journey onward continues. There are a lot of things I want to do, but I just gotta put my mind to it because so often it is easier to watch 30 Rock on Netflix, than it is to learn how to sew or cook.

And just for giggles, here are a few photos of the surprise. I hadn't even seen these yet! Courtesy of Payal's video camera, hence the pixilation.