On the eve.

I'm on the eve of something new.

Tomorrow I have a job interview. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it yet. I think I was telling my sis (in-law) that if I think too hard about it, I'll freak out. All I need to know right now is that, as far as I can tell, I like the job and I *know* I can do a great job. The other things are frivolous fears that I will deal with as they unfold. I think one of the many things I need to do here in 2011 is calm my mind and be patient. I have trouble with that, I want to know NOW how things will work out and if things are BAD, BAM, change it! I think for me, it's a pendulum effect because for YEARS, I let things go and go and go and look at that 10 years later and nothing or 5 years later and I'm still here. So this year will be a year of patience and trust, in myself.

With that being said. Holy crap! Change is scary but also exciting. If this job turns out...I'll have a job. I've not had a job since August. A job. And it's not a media job. I've been in and out of the industry in various fields for quite some time...And if I do have a job...life changes, things change. My schedule will change, my patterns and habits will change and I'll form new ones. My life may very well change. I figured, it's time. I have to stop what I've been doing and do something else and see where that leads...That very statement is terrifying...but also kind of wonderful. I don't deal well with uncertainty, but over the last few years, I've learned that the reason I didn't was because I just didn't trust myself. I doubted each and ever decision I made...but now. I know I am in control of my own destiny. If I make a mistake, it was my mistake to make. If awesome things happen, I made it happen. Only I can create my own happiness and I take full responsibility for all of it, good and bad. I'm only human and I'm still learning.

I have goals and ideas and dreams for myself but I'm trying really hard to keep all doors of opportunities open and hopefully, with good guidance and persevering, they'll lead me there, or to an even better place I could not have imagined.

I have hope for all of it!

And it begins.

I must say, 2010 has thus far been one of the best years to day, one that I feel I was really present for: I dated, I had a surprise party, I turned 30, I got laid off, got unemployment, went to Europe and met a special fella.

2011 however, is not turning out quite as giddy as the year ended, but still hopeful, hope is the last thing to die, right?

I've been applying for jobs left and right because I feel like I have a clear direction of where I want to be in a year, what I want to be doing, but that entails a full-time job...which I've yet to find. Applying to jobs is like dating, you go out on dates with guy after guy and either they don't like *one* thing about you and its over, or you don't like one thing about them and its over. Double edged sword.Just because your cover letter said this and not that...you're out. So on that end I've been getting a bit discouraged. It's tough to crawl out of that hole.

On the boy front, my fella and I broke up. Man, did we like each other. The big things were great, the, for simpleness sake, superficialities were great. The little things? The day to day things? The conflict resolution? The communication? Kind of sucky, and that's not good for him nor for me, so I ended it about a two months. I can go weeks with being ok about it, followed by days where I'm heartbroken about it. It's really weird when you know you did the right thing (I guess selfishly for myself) and you still can't shake off the feelings...the heart break. And I also know its compounded by NOT having a job...by being at home (with the exception of baby sitting two days a week) thinking and thinking and thinking...re-living and re-living. I have no real distractions. I've decided that I need to make myself a schedule. I already apply to at least three jobs a week and I look monday, tuesday and wednesday and apply on thursday and friday. That's my routine. But still there are daily reminders: red Toyota trucks, SELLWOOD, Mumford and Sons...But I know time makes it fade so I just have to give it time. I've been here before and survived, I know I will survive once again...but with time.

So, now that the gloom is out of the way, the good news! I have an interview for a job on Monday! Yay me! I was honestly caught off guard when she called while babysitting the youngster, but I had an hour long phone interview with her and it went quite well.

I'm thinking perhaps 2011 is the year of unexpected gifts. Or how could I say it...Opportunities in disguise because this job, even though it sounds fantastic, is not quite idea. So maybe the universe is telling me "Andrea, get out of your comfort zone, try new things, you'll figure it out." This job is only part-time, its in Tigard, and it *might* even be temporary. So why take it you ask? This is why: full medical benefits! How many part-time jobs out there have health benefits? Also, since it's in conjunction with school, I get two weeks off for vacation, one week for spring break, all holidays AND all summer...Plus, I get to speak Spanish and help out my Latino community. I've been itching to find a job I felt proud of...after having made the decision that it doesn't matter, haa haa. Silly me! If I get this job, I'll just have to budget and figure out what to do about the money...I'll have to work nights, or weekends but I'll figure it out. If the gratification out ways the ramen noodle grocery budget, then it's worth it. Plus, if it means I can end up going to school with some income, then hells yeah. Oh yeah, that's what I want to do...Ok, I'll leave that for another post.

But for now, I'll leave you with some beautifully crispy cold pictures of Sellwood after our "blizzard" yesterday.