For as long as I can remember, my weight has always been an issue. [And let me pre-empt this with the fact that I am NOT fishing for complement, or am in need of pity. I'm just chatting, just writing, just expression my feelings.]
No matter how many times my mom called me bonita, I still had a sense of "being fat". I was never a stick of a child, I wasn't one of those that had toothpick legs with bony knees and then grew into myself. Nope, I was a cute, normal chubby baby, chubby kid, then a fat adolescent, and, in retrospect, (always) a normal sized teenager. No, I could not wear bikinis like many of my cheerleader friends, but I didn't look half bad in a bathing suit. I'm not sure where it started but most people say, it usually starts with your mother, as I'm sure my "problem" started there. My mom was that person, she was the one her family called huesos, or bones cuz she was so skinny. After getting pregnant the first time at 21, she lost all the weight. The second time, lost most of it, and by the third time (that's me) kept it all and then some. She told me once that I was the one that made her fat, jokingly of course, but true (way for passive-aggressiveness, that also seems to run genetically in our family.) There were a lot of good things and bad things in our family that as a mother and wife I'd like to keep and change. One of them is body image. I would like my daughter and sons to realize exercise is for health, not necessarily "looking good" but I do wonder how I will accomplish that if I don't even believe that. The other thing is the double standard. When I was in elementary school, a nickname given to me by my brother was "fat". Yes, it's true. But if *I* called my brother fat, wow, did I get a talk to. So for 10 years or so, it was ok to call me fat, and even though yes, I was a chubby elementary kid, perhaps I'd grow out of it, but I was already far too self-conscious. I mean, was it ok to call me that if it was true? When I hit puberty, I didn't have any idea what was going on, and I lived in Mexico. So the lets say 10 pounds one normally puts on, doubled because I was not eating right according to the weight I was already gaining during puberty. So by the time I came back to the states, yeah, I was a bit fat for my age, and tall. I was taller than all the boys. I think my parents just assumed I get taller and lean out, but no, I was 5'3 in 5th grade and stayed that way. I didn't wear the most flattering clothes and had to be informed of it by my mother, through my brothers. They suggested that perhaps it would be a good idea to take me shopping to find clothes that fit me better. By this time, I was tall, fat and had boobs. None of the girls did. So I was not only self-conscious that I looked horrible in clothes, I also had boobs I had to deal with, thus beginning body-conscious phase that has lasted oh, let's see . . . till now? Nah, it's pretty much on going.
So this little dumb story brings me to today. Everyone has a different concept of "fat", "chubby" and "obese". The media tells us Eva Longoria gaining 5 extra pounds on her 110 pound frame is suddenly fat. If that's the case, what am I? Lately I've been trying to figure out what I can change, why, how and if I want to. I've also been trying not to be so hard on my self. With all this soul searching I've come to a very confusing conclusion: I feel pretty good, I think I look pretty good, but yet I don't loose weight and I've actually gained about 3 pounds. So I'm not sure where I stand as of right now with my body. I will tell you this though, I was 10-15 pounds heavier 5 years ago, so yeah, you do the math. It really is a "change in lifestyle" versus a damn diet. I hate diets. I don't like restrictions, but oddly enough, I like rules and guidelines. (Man, I am all over the place with this post!)
So yeah, a confusing state it is to actually feel good about ones body, and yet feel like you're not supposed too. I just keep having this idea that everyone is lying to me and once I believe them, they'll just laugh in my face and say "Gotch, fatty! How could you *ever* think you were actually hot! You are an idiot!" But that's a therapy issue for some other time.
5 comments:
Don't weigh yourself anymore! If you gain muscle, you are going to gain weight, so a scale isn't accurate at all, and will only make you feel worse if you gain 3 pounds. I have no CLUE what I weigh, and probably step on a scale 3 times per year.
Yeah, I know I shouldn't, but I do. I weight myself three times a day! Haa haa. I'm just scared of measuring myself cuz the last time I did and I thought I'd really toned up, nothing much changed so I was really disappointed. I'll try . . .
Holy shit Andrea! I know you're not fishing for a compliment, but I think you are possibly my prettiest friend (and we are all a good-looking bunch to start with, in my opinion). I don't know. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Everyone thinks you're super hot, but I realize it's difficult to be objective about yourself because of all the residual past stuff.
Reading this made me feel sad, and I have to say, I can completely relate.
Well thank you, Laura. The other thing I didn't put on this post is that I suck accepting compliments, which is another therapy issue.
Yeah, it is sad that not just me, but a lot of beautiful people out there, feel this way.
Right, measuring is the way to go (although I don't...b/c I'm too lazy to find a measuring stick.) But there is definitely media fat and real world fat. One has to do with how you fit into designer clothes and look on camera. The other has to do with heart and lung health. One magazines tell us. One doctors tell us. Neither actually has to do with how we feel about ourselves because apparently even skinny girls get depressed...this is strange to me but if I try reeeeally hard I can understand. Basically, time to turn off our internet and go visit a physician.
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