At least I tried, right?

I promise the post after this will be less depressing.

So early this week, Monday evening to be exact, I auditioned for the musical Chicago over at McMinville. If you didn't know, (as I did not) it's a 1 hour drive. A pretty drive but still, an hour. I did not know what to expect since the ad was very vague: bring dancing shoes and music. Ok. Also, I haven't auditioned in almost ten years, let alone audition in "the real world". All of my auditions for musicals had been in high school where you know what your competition is and you know your director and you pretty much know what part your going to get. I kind of got that sense when I stepped into the theatre. McMinville, like Albany, is a small beautiful, transport-to-the-past kind of town and it seemed like most people already knew each other. So that's intimidation #1. Intimidation #2 was that most of them looked like dancers. Ok, not the "Center Stage" dancers, tall and lean, but the dancers that can do the splits. Ok, completely intimidated. I've danced in heels, I wear heels, I LOVE heels, but dancing 'Fosse' style in heels was very new to me. So that was our first audition, dance. We followed choreography for the first number. I almost fell over a few times cuz I'm not used dancing that style in heels. I was pretty proud of myself for actually learning it though. I did mess up at the end because there were some turns, but I figured I'd get it with practice. So yeah, that was the dance and I must say, not the best, but NOT the worst.
Next came singing auditions. Most auditions I've been to we've had an accompanist, a miracle person how seems to know the music ahead of time, or at least that's what it seems. This one? Could barely make the tune out. That totally messed me up. I was about the 4th one to go (thankfully!) and I was bad. Not because I can't sing, cuz yeah, (toot horn) I'm pretty good, but mix nerves with a bad accompanist? Disaster. The musical director had me do some scales, which I thought was my saving grace, and i was done. Next, I had to sit through the whole rest of the 20 girls. I must say, they were pretty horrible. I wasn't saying I was the best. There were 3 categories, really good (about three girls fit into that), good with potential (about 4 of us fit into that) and BAD, so bad the poor girls can't hear the notes (that was the rest of them). So with those odds, I felt pretty confident for at least a call back. At the end, they called a few people to the stage, the real dancers, and we could all leave. Call backs were to be Wednesday and to check in. Ok so I had all Tuesday to ponder things and they had another set of auditions that day as well.
Come Wednesday. I've already planned on taking the half day to take my aunt and uncle to Mutlnomah Falls. I am to call the theatre at after noon to find out if I made the call backs. I wait. It's 12:15. I wait. I don't want to call in front of anyone. I wait. We get to Mutlnomah Falls and off to the restroom for us. When I get out, Isaiah is on the phone (which means we have reception) and my uncle is seated. I take this opportunity to call. I ask if I've made the list. "I don't see your name here, no. I'm sorry". I thank him and say good bye. Honestly, I'm surprised. I wasn't *that* bad, seriously. I wasn't amazing either. I'm disappointed only cuz it means failure, it means rejection, it means I wasn't good at something . . .
Isaiah gives me some words of comfort and hugs. He tells me I'd already decided that whatever the outcome, it's a win win and yeah, I know, but I can't shake of the rejection. He tells me that so many stars out there weren't discovered even though they had the talent and people wonder why they weren't discovered sooner. That's true, but yeah, I don't want to be a star. A friend tells me the dancing is tough! Yeah, that's true too.
But still . . . why?
I didn't want the audition to mean anything, but I guess it does. The musical itself is a symbol. It's one of the first lines my boyfriend said that made me like him. "Hey, Chicago, I liked that movie". It's the movie that gave me chills when I saw the trailer. The opening act gives me chills. It was the musical that I thought would help me express my sensual side . . .
But no, rejected . . . But at least I tried . . . I guess.